Fear and Anxiety

    You never know just how bad things are until your smothered in it! I guess I should start by admitting that I have always been a prisoner in my own mind. Thoughts of self-doubt often filtrated my mind creating a flood of emotions. 2011 was my breaking point. I guess if I could sum up one word for myself it would have been "stupid." The fear of not knowing something kept me in chains. Even praying out loud at Moms In Touch became agonizing because I felt short handed in my prayer abilities. My mind would always take me into a hole of darkness wondering what is wrong with my brain? Why am I not soaking up God's word? Why can't I pray like that? These are just a few examples, but the list is gigantic! I began this self evaluation for everything I attempted. What my mind concluded was that I just couldn't measure up to anything I set out to do. I started feeling the urge to withdrawal from everything. Quit my new business, get out of BSF and Moms in Touch, and anything else I wasn't "good" at. My closet was sounding more and more like a safe place to hide. But the problem wasn't the outside world I was running from. At home I was short fused, tired, and often overwhelmed. Even though my husband seldom caught on to my bad attitude...my heart did and I always felt awful inside. My frustration was building so much that I truthfully wanted to run from my home too. Until I realized that what I really wanted to do was run from myself. I was so tired of being me. Seems silly that a person doesn't know how to love themselves?? That was me? I was sick of my terrible thoughts about myself. I tried to take those thoughts captive, but how do you do that if you have convinced yourself over the years they are true? My anxiety was starting to rule my world. I starting feeling like all the things I cherished were being ripped from me. My anxiety and fear had hit an all time high and shot through the roof. I have dealt with this for many years, but clearly stuffing it under rug was a sure way to have it blow up in your face. Is that what happened? Did it blow up in my face? To be continued.....

...Ok! How about we finish this story now. In just a few weeks I seem to have even more clarity from God on where He is taking me. Let's first address stuffing my issues under the rug. I now think that it was actually quite the opposite. I was flinging my insecurities all over the place! God recently reminded of my "walk to Emmaus" a couple of years ago. This was where I initially dumped my self-absorption at the cross. I guess I really had no idea what all that entailed, but I knew that was what God was wanting to rid me of. Years of insecurity put the focus on myself. Matters of the heart seemed almost impossible to overcome. And my thought closet seemed unrepairable. Things have finally connected for me! God has filled me with His spirit and blessed  me with confidence that is super natural! The confidence I have been searching for all my life is nothing like what the Lord has gifted me with! The confidence we seek as earthly little creatures involves the self. God's indwelling has nothing to do with us. I have to admit that I am blown away by this! It sure does open your eyes to the whole saying of, "dying to yourself." I knew I would have to rid myself of things, but was clearly not aware of the blessings that would follow. It feels so wonderful to be free of myself! I was getting tired of being me! God is wonderful! I can see His hand moving me along in this journey. I can also see how he seemed to have sped my lesson up these past few months, but we all learn at different paces right?
Christ is our strength! His purpose replaces empty living. Where is the Holy Spirit's power evident in your life today? Have you spoken about Christ as your strength? How have you seen your ineffectiveness in life be replaced by spiritual power? Recognizing God's power is freeing!